Beach Battle
by pinkperson
Summary: Laguna goes to Galbadia Beach to get away from battling monsters. Or so he thinks.


I don't think there's anything more disturbing than smiling when you have nothing to smile about. Especially when it's at a place that's full of nothing but sad memories.

Like Galbadia Beach.

I sat in the sand, my black hair absorbing the heat of the sun as I swayed gently from side to side, not caring that I'd thrown an empty beer bottle into the ocean water. Actually, I'd laughed as I saw a wave pull it into the ocean. Not caring that I'd just littered.

That's how low I've fallen, I guess. Laguna the litterbug. That should be my new name.

There were some people nearby, sitting or lying down on towels beneath umbrellas. Others were running around, chasing one another or tossing a beach ball to one another. Occasionally getting so caught up in their fun that they accidentally tripped and fell near me, kicking sand in my face, and then apologizing to me. I'd only laugh nervously in response and they'd stare at me a moment, then their eyes would dart to the half-empty beer bottle that I held tightly in my hand before tearing their eyes away and returning to their fun.

I was sitting in full soldier attire, literally with my armor on and everything, surrounded by empty bottles and feeling pretty darn terrible. Even though I was laughing, even though I looked like I was having the time of my life, deep down I felt a knife twisting inside me.

The sun made my face feel so nice and warm that you'd think it would make me forget my bad feelings, but it didn't. The only thing ever seemed to help me was alcohol.

Whenever a flash of a memory would cross my mind, whenever I saw a woman with long brown hair passing by, whenever I heard news of a couple having a baby, I would start to shake and feel this terrible thirst. I had to leave. I had to find a drink.

I never would have thought I'd become an alcoholic.

I know Kiros was even more shocked than I was. The first time he caught me drunk, even though I'd doused myself in cologne in an attempt to cover the smell, he had stared at me before shaking his head pityingly. He then walked over to me to give me a hug.

Yes, it was pretty embarrassing. But, no matter how angry I felt towards life, no matter how much I felt like I wanted to be alone so that I could focus on my self-pity, a hug felt so nice...and...as pathetic as it sounds, as I'd wrapped my arms around him, I'd shut my eyes and tried to imagine that it was Raine who was hugging me.

It's not just that I lost her that kills me...but the fact that it could have been prevented. The fact that, if I hadn't...you know...slept with her that night, and then left a few days later, she might still be alive.

No matter how many times Kiros tells me that it's not my fault, that I shouldn't blame myself...it doesn't make me forget the facts. You can't silence the truth. I would tell him, voice cold and sharp and completely unlike me, that he doesn't understand, that he's lucky that he doesn't understand, and that this is my way of healing. If he cares about me, he'll leave me alone.

And he would stare at me before crossing his arms and shaking his head at me. And he wouldn't say anything, which I think is worse than if he'd told me I'm an idiot.

Anyway, as for why I'm at the beach today, I guess I just felt lonely. Lonelier than usual. I couldn't even bring myself to patrol the town. I'd looked at my machine gun today, really looked at it, and then looked up at Kiros, and shook my head. I ignored his protests as I turned around and walked off silently.

I knew I wasn't going to hear the end of this when I saw him again. He was worried about me. I could see it in his eyes. Ever since she- Ever since anything, really, had happened, I lose myself...sometimes for a few seconds, sometimes minutes. By lose myself, I mean that I space out a lot. I've always been prone to daydreaming, to thinking too much about things, but now it's like it's hard for me to return to reality, to pay attention to people, to concentrate on anything, really.

In fact, just this morning, I'd been combing my hair when I realized, while looking in the mirror, that I could see Raine in myself. It sounds creepy, but that was how I'd felt. I ran my hands through my hair, squeezed handfuls of it in my hands, and felt its softness. As stupid as this sounds, when my eyes were shut, it felt like I was holding Raine's hair. And as creepy as it sounds, it made me feel glad that I had long hair.

I should feel grateful that I still have my friends despite my stupidity, despite the fact that I now get drunk in public places with children nearby, but it's like I just don't care anymore. I mean, I only combed half of my hair today, and I never leave my hair uncombed like that. At least, I never used to.

Something large and soft hit the side of my head, making me gasp and instinctively reach for my machine gun. I drew it on the monster that had caught me off guard. A gangly little boy with dirty blond hair took a few steps backward, wincing as he cried out.

"M-Mama!" he yelled, and I saw a woman sitting on a towel about thirty feet away look in our direction, her mouth dropping open as she saw me with my gun out. This made me realize what I'd done, and I lowered the gun, scrambled to my feet, feeling myself beginning to shake and sweat with tension and shame. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a large beach ball rolling from side to side near where I'd sat.

The mother ran up to us, wrapped her arms around her son, hugging him, before eying me up and down, eyes fearful and angry at the same time. She then reprimanded him as she practically dragged him away.

I could tell they were going to go home now.

I lowered my head as tears pricked my eyes. I dropped my gun to the ground, then gasped with fear because I realized I wasn't sure if the safety was on. Thankfully it didn't go off and when I checked, the safety did turn out to be on. Still, though, as I stood there, frozen in my shame, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I should just close myself off from people entirely for a while. Maybe it would be best for everyone if I became a hermit. Or if I at least gave up the army.

As I walked away from the beach, I felt tempted to look back at the ocean, despite the fact that it was so painful to look at it. It was strange. I tried so hard to escape my pain, but that only brought me more pain in the end. It was like a part of me seemed to like the pain that I brought onto myself, too.

I shook my head as I reached my car, and chuckled under my breath. I leaned against the car door and sighed, arched my back as I stared at the sky, let the wind cool me down. It was a beautiful day, and it was sad that I only realized it now. But I suppose it was better late than never.

I just hoped that I didn't scar that kid for life. I don't think many people expect to see a guy with a huge machine gun at the beach. Now that I fully realized what I'd done and what I could have done, I felt guilt rise in me yet again.

When was I going to learn from my past actions? When was I going to truly make something of myself instead of hating myself, pitying myself, and hurting others in the process?

I felt another breeze and shut my eyes, let my hair fly around me, the strands tangling.

I imagined that it was Raine breathing on me, telling me that she's always there by my side. No matter what.

As I opened my eyes, tears slid down my face and I smiled, a weak and wobbly smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Raine wouldn't want me to be like this. She wouldn't want me to escape my fears and pain like this. I knew she wouldn't. Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to quit drinking as quickly as I should, I could at least try to take it down a notch. Anything would be better than spiraling downward the way that I am right now.

Remembering that I'd left my empty beer bottles on the beach, I pushed myself upright and ran in the direction of the beach.

If nothing else, I could at least clean up after myself.

 **A/N: I realize that I probably screwed up the timeline in this story (and possibly others) and I'm sorry if it confuses anyone. I'll have to play FF8 again sometime soon, I guess...**


End file.
